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Modern Wisdom

#791 - Dr Robert Glover - Why Most Men Fail To Attract A Quality Woman

Sat Jun 01 2024




  1. Challenges in Finding a Suitable Mate
  2. Prioritizing One's Needs
  3. Giving to Oneself
  4. Rewriting Core Beliefs
  5. Changing Behavioral Patterns
  6. Understanding Ruminating Thoughts
  7. Beliefs and Self-Perception
  8. Overcoming Negative Thought Patterns
  9. Balancing Productivity and Self-Care
  10. Finding Success with Smart Hard Work
  11. Questioning the Concept of Hard Work
  12. Navigating Dating and Relationships
  13. Interacting with Women
  14. Navigating Dating in the Me Too Era
  15. Challenges Faced by Men in the Me Too Era
  16. Understanding Dating Dynamics
  17. Creating Exciting Interactions
  18. Embracing Outcome Agnosticism
  19. Becoming a Better Picker and Ender
  20. Building Meaningful Connections

Challenges in Finding a Suitable Mate

00:00 - 07:16

  • Both sexes struggle to find a quality partner who fulfills their emotional needs of feeling safe, whole, excited, interested, and loved.
  • Dr. Robert Glover discusses the challenges in finding a suitable mate and offers advice on prioritizing one's needs, becoming more authentic, and having self-compassion.
  • Men often misunderstand female attraction and seek approval from others outside themselves, leading to issues like being stuck in the friend zone or struggling with dating after divorce.
  • Early childhood experiences can shape individuals' beliefs about needs and wants, leading to behaviors like hiding needs or prioritizing others' needs over their own.
  • It is important to prioritize one's own needs and seek relationships with people who are competent at meeting their own needs to foster healthy connections.

Prioritizing One's Needs

06:47 - 13:55

  • Many people try to fix others in hopes of getting their own needs met, but it's a flawed strategy.
  • Men may struggle with the idea of needing help or expressing their wants due to societal expectations.
  • Younger men, especially millennials, tend to isolate themselves by immersing in online activities instead of seeking real-life connections.
  • Men often choose isolation as a preference, leading to loneliness and other negative consequences.
  • Some men feel dismissed and misunderstood in discussions about privilege and challenges they face.
  • Learning to prioritize one's needs starts with giving to oneself and breaking free from covert contracts.

Giving to Oneself

13:29 - 19:50

  • The speaker realized he was operating by covert contracts, giving to get in his relationships.
  • He made a commitment to stop giving gifts to others and instead focus on giving to himself.
  • Prioritizing oneself is not selfish but essential for personal fulfillment and the ability to give to others.
  • Acknowledging and prioritizing one's needs does not make a person needy; neglecting one's needs leads to neediness.
  • Children who have their needs met by attentive parents develop a belief that they are valuable, lovable, and important.

Rewriting Core Beliefs

19:33 - 26:41

  • Children can become 'parentified' when they feel responsible for meeting their parents' needs, leading to beliefs of not being good enough or lovable.
  • By prioritizing their own needs and surrounding themselves with supportive relationships, individuals can rewrite their core beliefs and operate from a place of self-love and value.
  • Challenging oneself to unpick deep-rooted patterns and neural pathways requires support from mentors, coaches, therapy, or groups to overcome emotional and cognitive resistance.

Changing Behavioral Patterns

26:19 - 33:01

  • Setting specific goals for weight loss or gym attendance can lead to failure due to disrupting normal habits
  • Practicing gratitude daily can have a positive impact on well-being, but consistency is key
  • Having accountability partners and support systems can help in maintaining new habits like meditation and fitness routines
  • Changing old patterns requires consistency over time rather than a fixed 21-day rule
  • Being self-aware and having a support system can help in noticing and correcting behavioral patterns
  • Ruminating brain patterns may be inherited traits linked to issues like depression, anxiety, addiction, and relationship struggles

Understanding Ruminating Thoughts

32:35 - 39:09

  • Certain brain types predispose individuals to addictions, ADHD, and ruminating thoughts.
  • Ruminating brains tend to dwell on past mistakes, missed opportunities, and regrets, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
  • Individuals with ruminating brains may engage in revisionist history or comparison with others, often feeling lacking or inferior.
  • Perfectionism and fear of failure can lead ruminating brains to worry about the future and stay stuck in negative thought patterns.
  • Practicing mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy can help individuals step out of negative thought cycles and become observers rather than believers of their thoughts.

Beliefs and Self-Perception

39:01 - 46:01

  • Many individuals measure their self-worth based on their relationships and sexual experiences.
  • People often judge themselves based on societal expectations and comparisons with others.
  • Negative thought patterns and self-talk can reinforce feelings of insufficiency or fear.
  • Beliefs about oneself shape one's perception of the world and influence what is noticed or ignored.
  • The story we tell ourselves greatly impacts our experiences and reactions to stimuli.
  • The context in which we perceive things can significantly affect our emotional responses.

Overcoming Negative Thought Patterns

45:32 - 52:11

  • Focusing on self-love and positive thoughts rather than shame or self-hate can lead to better outcomes
  • Being overly critical of oneself, especially in creative endeavors like podcasting, can lead to a spiral of negative thoughts
  • The concept of 'productivity debt' where one feels the need to constantly achieve and be productive before allowing oneself moments of joy and peace
  • Stepping outside the cycle of constant productivity can lead to a shift in mindset and improved well-being

Balancing Productivity and Self-Care

51:46 - 58:44

  • Taking regular breaks throughout the day, even just for a few minutes, can lead to increased productivity and prevent feeling drained or exhausted.
  • Encouraging people to spend 30 minutes a day doing nothing can initially be resisted but eventually loved, as it helps in recharging and becoming more productive.
  • Chronic shame is identified as a significant driver of people's actions in life, leading to feelings of inadequacy and control by external influences.
  • Setting big goals driven by shame may not be effective, as oppositional defiance can hinder progress towards those goals.
  • The speaker describes himself as consistently productive but not highly driven, engaging in activities out of curiosity and enjoyment rather than strict goals.

Finding Success with Smart Hard Work

58:27 - 1:04:52

  • The speaker orchestrates their life to focus on activities they enjoy and delegate tasks they dislike.
  • To maintain consistency in fitness routines, the speaker makes the gym experience enjoyable by listening to podcasts or music.
  • Hard work is seen as a reliable route to success with a low failure rate, but it comes at a high personal price.
  • The speaker reflects on the concept of hard work and its impact on satisfaction and success.
  • Working hard is valued but should be smart hard work that leads to desired outcomes.

Questioning the Concept of Hard Work

1:04:24 - 1:11:31

  • Historically, people were subjugated to power through various means like religion and cultural memes.
  • There is an internal struggle with work rate and the idea of repurposing oneself as a 'slave master' within one's own work.
  • The podcast host reflects on the concept of hard work and the pursuit of the best day in life through personal experiences with building a company.
  • Questioning whether hard work is necessary to achieve the best day in life and emphasizing the importance of prioritizing self-care and happiness in daily life.
  • Exploring how seeking approval from women, especially in dating scenarios, may stem from childhood experiences and societal expectations, leading to counterproductive behaviors.
  • Suggesting that seeking self-approval and validation from male peers based on integrity, authenticity, and values could be more fulfilling than chasing approval from women.

Interacting with Women

1:17:38 - 1:23:59

  • Noticing open doors and signs of interest from women is important in dating and life
  • Choosing a woman who chooses you is emphasized for a successful relationship
  • Seeking approval from women who are uninterested is a waste of time
  • Teaching men to test for interest levels in social interactions
  • Men often play it safe in conversations with women to avoid risking approval

Challenges Faced by Men in the Me Too Era

1:29:28 - 1:36:04

  • Discussion on the challenges faced by men who are falsely accused in the #MeToo era
  • Concerns about approaching women and the impact of societal expectations on interactions
  • Observations on the changing dynamics of relationships and dating culture, including fear factors and social media influence
  • Reflections on the hookup culture, fear of commitment, and constant comparison to others

Understanding Dating Dynamics

1:35:44 - 1:42:48

  • Men may fear committing to one woman due to the abundance of beautiful women available
  • Women thrive on attention and praise from social media, which can impact their relationships with men
  • Confidence in men can trigger a positive chemical reaction in women's brains similar to physical attraction
  • Being socially interactive and saying 'yes' to opportunities can make a person attractive
  • Engaging with people openly and being uninhibited can lead to attracting good things in life

Creating Exciting Interactions

1:42:18 - 1:48:51

  • Encourages being spontaneous and not holding back in interactions with women.
  • Suggests creating playful and exciting scenarios to engage women's interest.
  • Emphasizes the importance of playfulness in interactions to relieve pressure and anxiety.
  • Highlights the concept of being outcome agnostic to avoid emotional attachment and anxiety in dating situations.

Embracing Outcome Agnosticism

1:48:32 - 1:55:12

  • Attachment can lead to anxiety in dating situations, being outcome agnostic can reduce anxiety and lead to a more engaging approach.
  • Surrendering and accepting difficult situations can lead to a better quality of life and unexpected positive outcomes.
  • Becoming outcome agnostic can lead to a more positive outlook on life and excitement for daily adventures.
  • Advice for men re-entering the dating scene includes becoming a better picker and ender, taking risks, and being bold in interactions.

Becoming a Better Picker and Ender

1:54:55 - 2:01:39

  • Dating involves making multiple picks and being a good ender is crucial
  • Being socially adept helps in becoming a better picker
  • It's important to end relationships sooner rather than later, especially for those with ruminating brains
  • Honesty and upfront communication are essential in dating
  • Women may tend to develop emotional attachments more easily than men in casual relationships

Building Meaningful Connections

2:01:18 - 2:03:24

  • Building a connection beyond physical attraction is crucial in relationships.
  • Recognizing when hearts are getting connected is important to avoid mismatches.
  • Being honest and ending casual relationships early can prevent messy situations later on.
  • Prioritizing emotional well-being over temporary enjoyment is essential in dating.