The Jordan Harbinger Show

861: 35 and Chaste — Is It Too Late? | Feedback Friday

Fri Jul 14 2023

relationshipsdatingsocial dynamicstherapyboundariesdivorcepandemic

Description

This episode covers various topics including disclosure in relationships, deal breakers in dating, navigating social dynamics, supporting a loved one in therapy, boundaries and growth in therapy, giving money to an ex-spouse, and finding one's place after the pandemic.

Insights

Disclosure in Relationships

Not disclosing sexual history upfront is common and not harmful. Overthinking what the other person wants can create roadblocks.

Deal Breakers in Dating

Revealing deal breakers too soon can create obstacles. It's important to stay open and avoid overthinking early on.

Navigating Social Dynamics

The wife is facing challenges in a new culture. It's important to consider both sides and set boundaries in friendships.

Supporting a Loved One in Therapy

Encourage language practice and bonding experiences. Seeking additional support and contact with therapists can be normal.

Boundaries and Growth in Therapy

Therapy sessions outside regular sessions can be normal. Boundaries and growth are positive signs.

Giving Money to an Ex-Spouse

Consider motivations behind giving money. Both parties had roles and responsibilities in the relationship.

Finding One's Place After the Pandemic

Feeling disoriented is normal. Seek new opportunities and engage with life to lessen the feeling of being lost.

Summary

Transcript

Disclosure in Relationships

06:34 - 12:36

Not disclosing sexual history to a potential partner is not harmful like an STD
People don't usually disclose their number of sexual partners upfront
It's okay to hit pause on the impulse to disclose lack of experience
Most people's first time is a little messy, but it's fine
If you want to see the person again, you can mention it was your first time
Overthinking what the other person might want can create roadblocks
Hyper awareness and concern may stem from feeling unworthy or fearing disappointment
Subtly disqualifying oneself may be a way to avoid commitment or vulnerability

Deal Breakers in Dating

12:08 - 19:34

The person on the date reveals that they don't want to have children, which becomes a deal breaker
The person could have let the good vibes continue and had more dates before revealing this information
The person is unconsciously creating obstacles and distancing themselves from potential partners
Advice is given to stay open, meet new people, and avoid overthinking things too soon
Having one experience with the right person can help put this issue to rest

Navigating Social Dynamics

19:05 - 24:54

The friends of the person speaking are not being welcoming or thoughtful towards their wife, which reflects poorly on them
The friends seem insular, boring, and closed off to new people
It's strange because the speaker is always interested in meeting people from other countries and learning about their experiences
The wife sounds caring and selfless, and if people took the time to get to know her, they would see that too
Making friends from another country can lead to unique travel experiences
These women may not be socially adept or interested in engaging with someone who doesn't speak their language fluently
It might have been difficult for the wife when she first arrived due to the language barrier
The wife is still figuring out her social identity in a new culture, which can be challenging
The speaker is conflicted about whether to continue being friends with these guys or keep their distance
It's unclear if it's the responsibility of these guys to coach their partners on how to be nice to someone from another country
If the wives aren't being cool to the wife because they genuinely want to befriend her, then it's understandable that she doesn't want to hang out with them either
The speaker suggests continuing friendships with these guys if they are meaningful but allowing the wife not to participate in group activities if she doesn't feel comfortable
If this situation reveals negative aspects of these guys' personalities or values, it may be necessary to reevaluate the friendships altogether
It's important for both sides of this equation—the way others respond to the wife and how she operates in social situations—to be considered
Learning how to ingratiate herself with new people is part of the wife's job, even though it may not be fair

Supporting a Loved One in Therapy

24:34 - 30:35

Learning a new language and culture takes time and effort
Encourage your wife to engage in activities that help her practice English and make new friends
Sharing funny experiences can help build bonds with others
The host mother and the speaker bonded after going to the grocery store together
The daughter's relationship with her therapist is normal, especially during times of acute stress
It's appropriate to seek additional support from a therapist when dealing with a breakup
Being able to contact a therapist outside of sessions is normal depending on the type of therapy
Full-on therapy sessions via text or phone calls outside of sessions may not be typical

Boundaries and Growth in Therapy

30:15 - 36:38

Therapy sessions outside of the regular session time can be normal depending on the therapist and type of therapy
Having more contact between patient and therapist between sessions is common in certain therapies like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)
Texting or calling a therapist for quick support or to set up an additional session is not inherently bad or inappropriate
For someone with a turbulent relationship history, it can be therapeutic to have a therapist available beyond the regular session time
Therapy is not just about unwinding past trauma but also about navigating life's challenges and investing in the client-therapist relationship
It's not up to the parent to determine if their child needs therapy or how often they should go; that's the therapist's job
Therapy can become unhelpful when a patient has achieved all their goals, doesn't have relevant symptoms, or uses therapy as avoidance or codependency
If there are concerns about the daughter's therapy, it might be worth exploring if there are underlying feelings of fear, anxiety, envy, or jealousy on the parent's side
The daughter learning to draw boundaries in therapy is seen as a positive sign of growth and separation from her family
Supporting the daughter in determining what's best for herself without weighing in too much is important

Giving Money to an Ex-Spouse

43:15 - 49:42

The speaker has worked hard to face situations in a more compassionate manner and feel their way through them
The speaker has lost 280 pounds without surgery and started two successful companies
They feel guilty for not getting the help they needed sooner and for abandoning a woman who stuck with them during their worst times
The speaker is considering giving money to their ex-wife, who is working hard and putting herself through grad school
They question if it's crazy to give her money and if there's a way to do it anonymously
The host acknowledges the speaker's self-awareness and humility but raises questions about motivations behind giving the money
The host suggests that while alleviating guilt may be a motivation, it might overlook important nuances in the marriage
They point out that both parties had roles and responsibilities in the relationship, including the wife's choice to stay and support the speaker
The host suggests that by considering both perspectives, the guilt may be softened and pressure to pay the money lessened

Finding One's Place After the Pandemic

55:20 - 1:01:30

The pandemic distorted time and space, removing familiar structures and markers
Frontline workers, like doctors and nurses, have been particularly affected by the pandemic
The letter writer feels left behind and is trying to figure out their place in the world
It's normal to feel disoriented and sad after going through intense experiences
The letter writer should allow themselves to go through this period without fighting the feelings too much
They should seek out experiences that give them meaning and treat it like a game of finding new opportunities
Taking a vacation or sabbatical to work somewhere else could provide a good change of pace
Clinging to what life looked like before can make it hard to imagine new possibilities or create new opportunities
It's scary to reinvent oneself and step into a whole new version of life when there's a desire to go back to how things were before
Feeling lost is terrifying, but engaging with life and seeking out new experiences can help lessen that feeling
Talking about feelings with someone trusted or reaching out for new opportunities are ways to put feelings to good use