Modern Wisdom

Adam Lane Smith - 15 Harsh Psychology Truths

Thu Mar 09 2023

relationshipsattachmentmental healthcommunicationtherapyADHDpurposesexuality

Description

This episode covers various topics related to relationships, attachment, mental health, and communication between men and women. It explores the challenges couples face in therapy, the impact of attachment issues on relationships, the rise of ADHD diagnoses, the unique needs of men in therapy, finding purpose and overcoming pain, understanding women's sex drive, the role of attachment in intimacy, communication differences between men and women, overcoming insecurities and improving relationships, changing relationship dynamics, building meaningful relationships, and understanding needs and sexuality.

Insights

Couples therapy requires commitment from both partners

For couples therapy to be effective, both partners must be invested in working on the relationship.

Attachment issues can impact relationships negatively

Attachment education and bonding exercises can help improve relationships affected by attachment issues.

ADHD diagnoses have increased significantly

ADHD diagnoses have significantly increased, with one in seven little boys in America being medicated for ADHD.

Men seek solutions in therapy

Men prefer solutions and guidance over endless talking about feelings in therapy.

Finding purpose can help overcome pain

Men who find a purpose are able to endure pain and find meaning in their lives.

Understanding women's sex drive is important

Women's sex drive changes over time and can be influenced by emotional intimacy and trust in relationships.

Attachment is crucial for building trust

Attachment is crucial for building trust and solving problems in relationships.

Communication differences between men and women stem from evolutionary roles

The differences in male and female communication can be traced back to evolutionary roles as hunters and gatherers.

Overcoming insecurities can improve relationships

Overcoming insecurities can lead to enhanced emotional intimacy and a healthier sex drive in women.

Building meaningful relationships requires depth and vulnerability

Balancing fun and depth in conversations and showing vulnerabilities while rising to solve challenges are important in building meaningful relationships.

Chapters

Couples Therapy
Attachment and Relationships
ADHD and Attachment
Men's Mental Health
Finding Purpose and Overcoming Pain
Communication Between Men and Women
Understanding Women's Sex Drive
Attachment Issues and Intimacy
Communication Differences Between Men and Women
Overcoming Insecurities and Improving Relationships
Changing Relationship Dynamics
Building Meaningful Relationships
Understanding Needs and Sexuality

Summary

Transcript

Couples Therapy

00:00 - 07:32

Most couples therapy is useless because one partner is not invested in working on the relationship.
Couples therapy only works when both partners are committed to making it work.
Couples often wait until one partner is ready to call it quits before seeking therapy.
Many people lack the skills to communicate proactively and productively with their partners.
Women often initiate divorces because they have been changing for the relationship while men only change when they observe a problem.
Couples counseling can be a severe uphill battle and therapists must detach from outcomes.
Therapists guide couples to find commonalities and hope in order to make progress.

Attachment and Relationships

07:06 - 13:58

A couple with bad attachment issues improved their relationship in just three coaching sessions.
Both partners were committed to making the relationship work.
Attachment education, bonding exercises, and communication skills were key in their progress.
The couple experienced healing and grew closer to friends and family.
Changing ingrained thought patterns can be achieved through deep work and commitment.
Foundational beliefs formed in childhood can impact relationships negatively.
An attachment expert can provide an alternate model for living that challenges negative beliefs.
Experiencing a new way of relating can lead to positive brain chemistry changes.
Good relationships release brain chemicals like vasopressin, oxytocin, GABA, and serotonin.
Wounded relationships can lead to addictions as a result of imbalanced brain chemistry.
The American school system is not designed for boys' nature and punishes those who don't fit the mold.
Boys are not defective girls; they need a system that suits their needs better.
Girls tend to excel in the current iteration of schooling due to its structure and expectations.
There may not be a coordinated effort to keep boys down but rather convenience driving the system's design choices.
It's important to differentiate between normal emotions and diagnosable mental health conditions.

ADHD and Attachment

13:30 - 20:28

Not everything is a diagnosable condition.
Many people hide behind a diagnosis and use it as an excuse to not get better.
Pathologizing emotions by giving them labels can be seductive.
ADHD diagnoses have significantly increased, with one in seven little boys in America being medicated for ADHD.
ADHD medications can have long-term negative effects on individuals.
Some people with ADHD actually have attachment issues.
The education system often fails to accommodate children with ADHD, leading to poor outcomes.
Harnessing ADHD properly can lead to incredible achievements.
Every pathology exists on a spectrum, including ADHD.

Men's Mental Health

20:06 - 27:12

ADHD, like other pathologies, exists on a spectrum.
Diagnoses should be based on functional impairment.
Therapy models often fail to address the needs of the male brain.
Men seek solutions rather than just feelings in therapy.
The current mental health system in America focuses on symptom management and medication.
Men prefer solutions and guidance over endless talking about feelings.
Men feel pitied when therapy models focus on making them feel heard and loved.
Men need to find purpose and push through pain rather than seeking comfort from others.

Finding Purpose and Overcoming Pain

26:45 - 33:56

Men need to deal with pain by finding a way through it and finding a purpose through it so that they can push through that pain.
During the Blitz in World War II, men who were comatose in psychiatric hospitals became motivated and pulled out of their pain when society needed them during the bombings.
Men who find a purpose, such as becoming fathers or making a positive impact on others, are able to endure pain and find meaning in their lives.
Modern men may feel insecure due to a lack of purpose, relationships, patriotism, and nationalism.
Many men lack the ability to create human impact in their lives, which leads to feelings of emptiness and a desire for suicide.
Women also seek purpose but are more adaptable and focused on helping others thrive rather than changing the course of other people's lives.
Red pill culture perpetuates fear and negative beliefs about women, leading men to adopt unhealthy attachment styles and mistreat women.
There is an alternative to red pill ideology - being a genuine human being who connects with others through trust, honesty, understanding, and healthy communication.

Communication Between Men and Women

33:28 - 40:37

Being clear about what you want in a relationship is attractive, but you must pass tests to prove it.
Women test men by challenging their actions and comparing them to their claimed desires.
Current men's advice often disregards women or manipulates them, leading to an adversarial relationship.
The adversarial relationship between men and women stems from avoidant attachment styles.
Avoidant attachment styles lead to fear and a desire for pleasure without responsibility.
Deprogramming red pill ideology can help men overcome fear of women and open up emotionally.

Understanding Women's Sex Drive

46:48 - 53:46

Women's sex drive switches from attraction and bonding to long-term stability around 6-12 months into a relationship.
Many women don't understand their own sex drive and may lack emotional intimacy, trust, and predictability in their relationships.
By spending more time together and following a measurable list of activities, women can increase their sex drive.
Men's sex drive can be affected by factors such as betrayal, anti-maternal behavior, stress, or high-stress environments.
Oxytocin bonding helps men achieve faster and more lasting erections.
Men have more receptors for vasopressin, which is responsible for bonding through achieving goals together.
Setting goals with men during sex can lead to increased bonding and satisfaction.
Women should communicate their desires clearly and celebrate achievements together with their partner in order to maximize vasopressin release.
Common reasons for women struggling to achieve orgasm include attachment issues like avoidant or anxious attachment styles.

Attachment Issues and Intimacy

53:17 - 1:00:20

Intimacy issues can arise from avoidant or anxious attachment styles.
Couples therapists often overlook attachment issues in their clients.
Attachment is crucial for building trust and solving problems in relationships.
Attachment does not explain everything, and further exploration is needed.
Up to 65% of people may have attachment issues that they are unaware of.
Childhood experiences can contribute to attachment wounds and insecurities.
Attachment can be changed and improved through therapy and self-work.
Self-knowing should not be used as an excuse to avoid personal growth.
Many people in therapy are there because the important people in their lives refuse to seek help.

Communication Differences Between Men and Women

59:50 - 1:06:02

Most people in therapy are there because the people in their life who actually needed therapy refused to get it.
Men often provide solutions when women want validation in communication.
Women communicate to build trust and emotional connection, while men communicate to find solutions.
The differences in male and female communication can be traced back to evolutionary roles as hunters and gatherers.
Anxious women may struggle with decision-making out of fear of disrupting the relationship.
Some women feel overburdened and stressed, leading them to rely on men for decision-making.
Miscommunication about where to eat can stem from underlying anxieties and unexpressed burdens.
Using neuro-linguistic programming, some individuals can influence their partner's decisions without them realizing.

Overcoming Insecurities and Improving Relationships

1:05:35 - 1:12:12

Using neuro-linguistic programming, a man tricks his partner into going to the place he wants to go by proposing it in the negative.
Women with attachment issues often have a high sex drive at the start of a relationship but lose interest as it becomes long-term.
Many women feel they have nothing to offer in a relationship besides their body, leading to perpetual survival mode and lack of emotional intimacy.
Women who reject emotional connection due to insecurities also reject the very thing that would enhance their relationships and sex drive.
A woman's willingness to have sex on the first date can be an amber flag for certain personality types.
A sex-positive culture can deprogram women's predisposition to make men wait, but research shows most women still prefer long-term relationships over hookups.
Many women settle for less because they fear reaching for more and crave false connection due to lack of love from their fathers.
Some people believe having sex before marriage is necessary to ensure compatibility, but it often serves as an excuse not to commit.

Changing Relationship Dynamics

1:11:50 - 1:18:42

51.4% of children in the UK are born outside of marriage.
Fewer people are getting married, leading to a declining divorce rate.
People are avoiding sex due to fear and lack of connection with others.
Living in comfortable and convenient environments makes us less resilient to discomfort.
Exposing ourselves to challenges and discomfort is necessary for personal growth.
Virtual reality technology could provide a sandbox for practicing social interactions and intimacy.
Using VR as an educational tool for healthy relationships could have positive societal impacts.

Building Meaningful Relationships

1:18:17 - 1:25:10

Women looking for commitment want substance and someone who shares their life mission and purpose.
Balancing fun and depth is important in conversations.
Telling stories that illuminate life goals, values, and principles can help go beyond surface level talk.
Avoid trying to impress or make the other person feel sorry for you.
Love bombing and rushing physical contact are not what women are looking for.
Creating a delta between who you really are and the performative version can lead to resentment towards oneself and women.
Being fake and playing games are turn-offs for secure women.
Neediness is different from having needs; women want to see vulnerabilities but also see you rising to solve challenges.

Understanding Needs and Sexuality

1:24:45 - 1:31:07

Neediness is different from having needs. Neediness is relying on others to solve your problems.
Women want to see vulnerabilities and challenges in men, but also want them to rise to the occasion and solve their own problems.
Some men base validation on whether a woman tries to have sex with them, which can lead to misunderstandings of interest.
Rushing into sex can create false feelings of love and turn off potential long-term partners.
There is a need for more data on attachment styles and psychological stability in relation to women's decisions about sex.
Cultural influences can impact women's perceptions of how long they should wait before having sex.
Women often set the price of sex for each other, leading to a race towards casual encounters.
Sharing stories about family, friendships, accomplishments, and future plans can be more attractive than bragging about sexual prowess or wealth.
Mentioning commitment early on is often avoided due to fear of being seen as 'psycho', but open communication can filter out incompatible partners.
A three-date method can help determine if a relationship has potential for deeper commitment.
Society tends to be harder on women who desire commitment, but open communication can attract compatible partners.