Modern Wisdom

Alex DatePsych - Why Is No One Having Sex?

Thu Feb 23 2023

datingrelationshipsonline datingpickup artist communitiessexual satisfaction

Description

The episode explores the changing landscape of dating, perceptions and realities of creepy behavior, meeting and dating in modern times, the impact of social media and online dating, the dynamics of relationships and attraction, the influence of pickup artist communities, the impact of dating communities, exploring relationship dynamics, factors affecting attraction and relationship success, the impact of extreme relationship stories, sexual satisfaction and desire, factors affecting sexual satisfaction, and relationship dynamics and contempt.

Insights

The rise of online dating

Online dating has become more normalized and accepted over time. Around 10-20% of people are meeting through online dating, while most people still meet in public or through friends.

Perceptions of creepy behavior

Perceptions of creepiness can be fueled by viral videos and online anecdotes that may not accurately represent normal interactions. The Me Too movement aimed to address creepy behavior but may have inadvertently sterilized all male behavior.

The impact of social media

Social media enables a sort of risk aversion that we have never seen in the past. Men are afraid of approaching women due to fear of rejection and being canceled on the internet. Women are more vigilant around men due to the post-MeToo era.

Factors affecting attraction

Looks are not completely irrelevant in attraction, but personality issues can also impact relationships. Extremely masculine facial features are not always the most attractive to women; averageness and symmetry are more important.

The influence of pickup artist communities

Sticking to your strengths and being authentic is the most effective approach with women. The pickup artist community often made men feel like they had to play a role to attract women, which led to feelings of inadequacy and fraud.

The impact of dating communities

PUA may not help people form lasting romantic relationships, but rather move them into promiscuity. Promiscuous individuals may have difficulty forming long-term connections and are more prone to infidelity.

Exploring relationship dynamics

Online stories of extreme relationship experiences garner attention because they are outrageous and not representative of most normal relationships. Young men should focus on building resilience and dealing with breakups before worrying about divorce.

Factors affecting sexual satisfaction

Women in general have lower sexual satisfaction compared to men. The introduction of hormonal birth control may affect women's sexual satisfaction.

Relationship dynamics and contempt

Hating the opposite gender sabotages relationship outcomes. Contempt is a major predictor of relationship failure.

The decline in sexual desire

There is a decline in sexual desire by relationship length, with women experiencing a higher decline than men. One possible explanation for this decline is the libido gap between men and women at the outset of a relationship.

Chapters

The Changing Landscape of Dating
Perceptions and Realities
Meeting and Dating in Modern Times
The Impact of Social Media and Online Dating
The Dynamics of Relationships and Attraction
Factors Affecting Attraction and Relationship Success
The Influence of Pickup Artist Communities
The Impact of Dating Communities
Exploring Relationship Dynamics
Sexual Satisfaction and Desire
Factors Affecting Sexual Satisfaction
Relationship Dynamics and Contempt

Summary

Transcript

The Changing Landscape of Dating

00:00 - 07:27

The human race is having less sex per person than ever before.
Half of single men report not approaching women out of fear of being seen as creepy.
82% of women reported experiencing creepy behavior sometimes, often, or constantly.
86% of women say they want a man to make the first move.
Approaching strangers in public is still a common way for people to meet, despite the rise of dating apps.
Around 10-20% of people are meeting through online dating, while most people still meet in public or through friends.
Online dating has become more normalized and accepted over time.
About two out of five new relationships start through some sort of online medium.
There are contradictory findings about the success of long-term relationships and marriage rates for couples who meet online.
Apps are associated with individuals who may have unstable relationships and higher levels of impulsivity.
Approaching women itself did not make the list of things considered creepy by women, highlighting a disconnect between what women view as creepy and men's fear of rejection or being seen as creepy.

Perceptions and Realities

07:02 - 13:59

It's worth noting that men approaching women is not considered creepy by women, despite men's fear of being seen as creepy.
A small cohort of men engage in most of the creepy behavior, rather than a large number of men each engaging in one creepy behavior.
Approaching women politely is generally not perceived as creepy by women.
Perceptions of creepiness can be fueled by viral videos and online anecdotes that may not accurately represent normal interactions.
The Me Too movement aimed to address creepy behavior but may have inadvertently sterilized all male behavior.
Most people know how to behave in a normal and pro-social manner.
Controversial TikTok videos are often designed to generate clicks and may not reflect real experiences or opinions.
Fear of workplace consequences can discourage healthy connections and relationships, contributing to the "mating crisis."
It can be difficult to determine if clickbait videos on TikTok reflect genuine opinions or are simply seeking attention.
Bill and Melinda Gates met at work, highlighting the potential for positive relationships in the workplace.

Meeting and Dating in Modern Times

13:30 - 20:34

Bill and Melinda Gates met when Bill called Melinda on the internal company phone to ask her out
Melinda initially declined, saying Bill wasn't spontaneous enough
Bill called back 30 minutes later and gave her the rest of the afternoon off as a spontaneous gesture
Approaching someone at work or in a bar is criticized today, but it may limit relationships and sex
The rise in sexlessness among young men may be attributed to decreased alcohol consumption and extended adolescence
Young people are using less alcohol and drugs, which contributes to lower risk aversion in forming relationships
About half of single individuals under the age of 30 report not actively looking for a partner
Generational shift in preferences for dating needs further examination
Social media has diminished risk-taking behavior by making relationships more public and capturing mistakes

The Impact of Social Media and Online Dating

20:05 - 27:23

Social media enables a sort of risk aversion that we have never seen in the past.
Interacting with people online allows for long lead-ups to meeting in person, which is different from meeting someone at a bar.
Social media provides a layer of protection between individuals and the world.
Men are afraid of approaching women due to fear of rejection and being canceled on the internet.
Women are more vigilant around men due to the post-MeToo era, but some women who aren't unsafe consider themselves to be unsafe.
There is skepticism about women raising their standards in online dating apps.
A study showed that exposure to more mate options did not make women raise their standards or increase sexually transmitted diseases.
Some women refuse to date because they are not satisfied with what they see out there, possibly due to factors like obesity and decreased mate value overall.
Female overachievement in education and employment may contribute to fewer available men who are higher in status relative to educated women.
Men do not value education and employment prospects in their partners as much as women do.
Being single for a long time can impact people's happiness.

The Dynamics of Relationships and Attraction

26:54 - 33:41

Short-term mating can be motivated by money, as seen in sex work and relationships with wealthy individuals like Leonardo DiCaprio.
There is a shift in evolutionary psychology from viewing short-term and long-term mating as separate strategies to recognizing overlap between them.
The mate switching hypothesis suggests that short-term mating can serve as a springboard for finding a new long-term partner.
Approximately 70% of women who have affairs report being in love with their current partner.
The dual mating hypothesis, initially proposed by David Buss, has faced challenges and retractions but continues to persist.
The idea that women are more attracted to men with good genes during ovulation has not replicated well in research.
Women are attracted to the same type of men for both short-term and long-term relationships, including qualities beyond physical attractiveness.
The notion that high testosterone signals good genes has also not replicated well in studies.
Short-term relationships often resemble monkey branching, where women seek new long-term partners while still in a relationship.
There are significant sex differences in preferences for monogamous relationships and social sexuality.
Research on incels could benefit from examining the role of looks through attractiveness ratings.

Factors Affecting Attraction and Relationship Success

33:12 - 40:30

Looks are not completely irrelevant in attraction, but personality issues can also impact relationships.
Men often misunderstand what women find attractive physically.
Extremely masculine facial features are not always the most attractive to women; averageness and symmetry are more important.
In manosphere subcultures, men tend to think that women enjoy antisocial behavior, but this is typically not the case.
Narcissism predicts attractiveness better than psychopathy or Machiavellianism.
Optimizing personal appearance and personality traits can increase attractiveness to specific individuals.
There is no one-dimensional standard of attractiveness; different people have different preferences.
Becoming more of what you are good at can enhance your attractiveness in dating.

The Influence of Pickup Artist Communities

40:01 - 47:15

Sticking to your strengths and being authentic is the most effective approach with women.
The pickup artist community often made men feel like they had to play a role to attract women, which led to feelings of inadequacy and fraud.
Research on facial attractiveness shows that while there is some agreement on what is attractive, there is also a lot of individual variation in preferences.
A study found that many men who started in pickup artist communities eventually migrated to incel communities.
PUA and red pill communities focused on self-improvement for dating, but many men ended up rejecting dating altogether.

The Impact of Dating Communities

46:45 - 53:49

PUA may not help people form lasting romantic relationships, but rather move them into promiscuity
Promiscuous individuals may have difficulty forming long-term connections and are more prone to infidelity
Some men in PUA communities end up with cynical and jaded views due to their own experiences selecting partners
Men who didn't get results from PUA often turn to black pill communities
Resilience plays a role in how rejection affects individuals
People with low resilience may perceive rejection differently and become more hopeless
Many people are currently not seeking relationships and are spending more time online
Online stories of traumatic experiences can reinforce negative beliefs about relationships
Encouraging long-term committed relationships is met with skepticism due to fear of financial loss
Even figureheads of the red pill movement have entered successful long-term relationships

Exploring Relationship Dynamics

53:24 - 1:00:09

Online stories of extreme relationship experiences garner attention because they are outrageous and not representative of most normal relationships.
Young men should focus on building resilience and dealing with breakups before worrying about divorce.
Infidelity rates are high, with about half of men reporting cheating in the past.
Personality and behavior, including infidelity, have a heritable component.
Cheating once does not guarantee a history of infidelity.
Facial attractiveness is likely highly heritable as it is a physical feature.
The sexy son hypothesis suggests that women may find men attractive if other women find them attractive, as their genes may produce sons that future women will also find attractive.

Sexual Satisfaction and Desire

59:43 - 1:06:17

There is a decline in sexual desire by relationship length, with women experiencing a higher decline than men.
One possible explanation for this decline is the libido gap between men and women at the outset of a relationship.
Another hypothesis suggests that women may seek new mates after having children to increase genetic diversity.
The decline in sexual desire over a long period of time may also be influenced by factors such as aging and decreased physical attractiveness.
Women generally have lower sexual satisfaction and orgasm rates compared to men.

Factors Affecting Sexual Satisfaction

1:05:47 - 1:12:53

Women in general have lower sexual satisfaction compared to men.
The introduction of hormonal birth control may affect women's sexual satisfaction.
Women on birth control tend to prioritize different criteria in choosing a partner, such as income and education.
When women come off birth control, their self-rated sexual satisfaction tends to be lower.
Hormonal birth control can have mixed effects on libido, varying from person to person.
Factors like early menopause and fertility shifts over time can also impact libido.
Menopause typically occurs around the 15-year mark of a marriage, which may affect sexual satisfaction.
The perception of being pro-feminist or purple-pilled depends on individual perspectives and disagreements with the research presented.
Online discourse around men's and women's issues has become adversarial, but many critical views come from researchers of the same gender.
Intersectional competition plays a significant role in dating dynamics between men and women.

Relationship Dynamics and Contempt

1:12:25 - 1:19:33

Identifying an out group to generate goodwill online is a red flag for skepticism.
Hating the opposite gender sabotages relationship outcomes.
As people get older, their friend groups diminish and they spend most of their time with their partner.
Contempt is a major predictor of relationship failure.
Struggling dating communities often exhibit contempt towards the opposite sex.
Contempt is one of the four horsemen of the divorce apocalypse according to Dr. John Gottman.
Follow Alexander on Twitter at Date Psych and check out his website and YouTube channel.